i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
