How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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