you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
