We're facebook friends in real life
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
