Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
