listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
