More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
