i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My vagina is officially offended.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize