I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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