I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it because I queefed?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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