you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
