i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
