I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize