I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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