I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
