If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
