One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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