that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
