The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize