Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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