i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
