she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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