I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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