Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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