mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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