I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
not ubering you a puppy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
