Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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