I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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