Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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