vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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