you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
