There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
