I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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