you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
