I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
