someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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