I need to stop coming to work sober
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize