Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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