Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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