I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
