Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
