you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
