Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
