maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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