So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
4 words: hood of his car
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Randomize
