There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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