I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
