It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
