Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
