Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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