I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
