Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
