I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
