Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
