She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
