tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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