When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
