Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Less talking, more tequila
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
