Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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