My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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