What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
