The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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