Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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