Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
