forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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