I just pynch a tree in the face
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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