i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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