In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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