the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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