2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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