the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
