a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
